Sunday, February 5, 2012

An elephant may never forget...

but apparently whales forget. It has been brought to my attention more times than I'd care to admit that I forget to smile. And enjoy life in general, actually. The other day I caught myself opening a Dove heart, popping it into my mouth, chewing it, AND throwing the wrapper away without reading the saying on the inside! None of it was deliberate... it was all completed in a most zombie-like fashion. I hope I don't get taken to girl-jail for it... but seriously. When did I forget how to slow down and really experience what I'm experiencing?

We had a ward activity a couple weeks ago and a guy there mentioned to me that I never smile, and always look stressed out. Gee, thanks. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Couldn't you just try to make me smile instead? Or have you ever wondered if maybe I don't smile when I'm around you because... well... I'm around you? But it's not just that guy. Alta told me the other day that I look like an old lady. There's even this other guy that has, for months, made comments about how it always looks like I'm thinking about something or am distracted, and has on several different occasions said "That's the biggest I've seen you smile today." Uh... thanks for that?

It took me a while to admit to myself that these reactions to my existence are not unwarranted. In general I feel more stressed and stretched out than I ever remember feeling while I was in school. At school there was always at least one good reason to get out of bed... one good thing to look forward to that day... one thing or person that always seemed to cancel out the other drudgeries the day held. These days I feel like I have to literally drag myself everywhere I go, and once I get there I have to focus on "having fun" (or pretending to) or I don't. There's nothing to look forward to because tomorrow is the exact same thing over again.

I count down the hours I have left to work before my last student loan is paid off... before my car is paid off... before I can finally start keeping the money I earn... before I can quit my jobs and move on to something new.

I hate counting months and weeks and days and hours. Especially when the numbers only seem to get bigger when they should be getting smaller... I even count the minutes of sleep I miss for every minute I stay up later than I "should." I can't remember the last time I stayed up recklessly late, let alone without meaning to or caring that I did.

I've noticed lately a recurring theme of "enduring to the end," or "taking things one day at a time." I tagged along with the missionaries to a new member lesson, where they counseled that worrying about everything that's happened and everything that's going to happen is overwhelming, so to simplify things it's better to live in the moment. Live one day at a time, and focus on what you're doing today--right now. Have you met your goals today? Nevermind what you have to do tomorrow or what mistake you made yesterday... what about today??

I need to work on that. I saw my profile picture for Blogger and wondered where that youthful, happy person went, because I haven't seen her in a long time. And I never thought I'd say it... but I miss her. This new me basically sucks.

1 comment:

Victim of Google Data Mining said...

You know, I miss the old me a lot too. I used to be way more fun and have way more energy. I think I've beaten myself into the ground way too many times.

Somehow I think we need to figure a way to help each other (and Stephanie) be happier.

I know many of the reasons why I'm stressed and not very pleasant, and unfortunately much of it is out of my control and I need to figure a way to let those things go...

Anyway, I love your smile more than you can imagine!