Betrayed by my own.

What Not to Wear is back and better than ever! Stacy and Clinton have seen it all... or have they? Send us your craziest, wildest, most bizarre nominations for the worst-dressed woman you know.

Nomination: Nicole Hengen
   Age: 23
   Size: [extra-super large], 5'5"
   Location: Las Cruces, New Mexico

   Nikki has always dressed like a boy; her hair is always up in a ponytail while she is dressed in a t-shirt and shorts (usually camo cargo shorts). She tries her best to dress up on Sundays for church and she will wear her hair down, but she doesn't really know how to put together an outfit, despite family and friends shopping with her and picking out nice clothes for her. They tend to just hang in the closet. She doesn't wear much makeup, usually just some eyeliner and mascara. I think she's afraid to dress girlie because she wants to be taken seriously but feels like if she dresses too feminine, she'll be seen as an airhead or promiscuous.

[Notes scribbled onto the printout, apparently intended to be added on later to increase the appearance of desperation] Doesn't relate to most girls her age, doesn't really like them--afraid if she dresses like them, she'll be like them. Being single at 24 (relatively old in the Mormon community). Feels hopeless in a dating scene (not that there's much out here). We've tried everything-- ripped up camo shorts, gathered t-shirts for a t-shirt quilt. Needs professional help-- this is her last resort. Maybe hearing it from someone else will help.

fashion crimes and poor hygiene

I know I'm not the best dresser. My family hated my old "camp pants" (which were really just a huge pair of camo shorts that I wore, like, all the time). I have other fashion-crime clothes, such as my "traveling shirt" and my "Nikki jacket." My family has been frowning down on some of my fashion decisions for years, but none have acted out as harshly as my cousins. One day Edyn was in my closet with me as I was putting away my laundry. I pulled out a button-up church shirt and started to hang it up. "Mama" she said as she pointed. ("Mama" basically covers anything having to do with "female" and "Daddy" the same for male.) I then pulled out a pair of cargo shorts an began folding them. "Daddy" she said as she pointed. Even a two-year-old knows which of my clothes are man clothes that I shouldn't be wearing. I was ashamed. Edyn's disapproval was nowhere near as brutal as that of her little sister's, though.

Earlier this week I was sitting in an arm chair, and had just finished feeding Coda. She was sitting with her bum on my belly and her back resting against my inclined leg. She started smiling all big and cute and I was distracted making happy faces back at her. Suddenly, pee and poop started leaking from between her diaper and leg straight onto me. Not a drop of it even grazed her onesie. Clearly she did not approve of my clothes for the day. I changed her diaper then left her with Camille and went to change.

A few hours later it was time to feed Coda again, and we snuggled down into the same armchair. She finished eating and started smiling and cooing. I was talking back to her and smiling and we were having a good ol' time. She was just so smiley! Then I had a thought when she started grunting a little. I pulled her in close and whispered in her ear "Coda, so help me, if you soil these shorts I will [pause as I think of a threat befitting a 2-month-old] be mad at you!" I pulled her up not three seconds later to find a huge poop pile on my lap. She hated my camo shorts as much as the rest of my family, if not more!

I decided then to keep, from that moment on, an extra layer between us. I refused to hold the little pooper unless she had a blanket under her. I think it was the next day (although it might have been the same day) that I had her lying on my bed, playing for a while before she was supposed to go to sleep. Fifteen minutes later I scooped her up to get her ready to sleep and felt wetness between her blanket and the one on my bed. "Oh well" I thought. It's just pee. It'll dry. Hard to keep my hygiene up when I've been getting pooped on as often as I have. No wonder Edyn calls me "Geeky" and "Icky".

New Mexico Wildlife

Here in Cruces there are many new and exciting animals to experience.

Rabbits gather in hordes to devour the grass in the front yard that has been trying so hard to grow. The children used to run out and chase the rabbits away, but the rabbits don't run so easily now. They've learned that the children are feeble and harmless, especially when they're too lazy to put their shoes on. Who wants to get stickers all up in their feet? Not I. They kill. Instead, the lazy kids just run to the edge of the porch and wave their hands while shouting at the rabbits. Uh. Not scary.

Snakes are around, but rarely seen by us. We've had many neighbors and ward members tell of encounters with our slithery friends, but the only one I've seen was squished on the road. :(

Quail parade around in lines of mommas and teeny, tiny baby quail that are only a couple inches tall. They're so cute! But kind of annoying sometimes.

Deer seem only to come out when it's cool, and are a good enough reason for me to watch my speed on the windy, lonely road home at night.

Spiders and roaches still roam the house, but there have been a lot fewer (roaches at least) since the bug guy came. Grandpa is actually outside right now working to get rid of some of the spiders. I caught one I found in the kitchen sink... put it in a baggy and it's been sitting on my desk for a week. Not dead yet! I CAN keep spiders alive!

Coyotes skulk around, looking for rabbits or small children on which to prey. There was one quite close to the house in the middle of the day earlier this week. It looked around, marked its territory and left. Apparently you can buy coyote urine to spray around your yard to keep the rabbits away. Disgusting, but worth a shot.

Mice are seen scampering across the street every once in a while, but fortunately none have come close to the house.

Bobcats apparently hang out around our house, too, since Camille saw one sitting right next to the rock wall early one morning. It's like it was waiting for me to go out by myself on my run... it knows how slow I am. And so much tasty fat to enjoy! Mmm...

Vultures make come-and-go appearances, and there was one not 100 feet from the house the other day, feasting on what looked like a rabbit. These big predators are usually pretty tidy with their meals, but I did see a random, gnawed-off rabbit's foot on one of my runs last week. Sick.

Bats come out at night (obviously), and are apparently the ones responsible for the poop all over the outside walls of the house.

Tarantula hawks and other wasps hang around the trees in the front yard. A tarantula hawk is so named since it preys on tarantulas. They can get pretty big, and their sting is described as so painful you can do pretty much nothing but scream for about three minutes. There are few animals that can handle eating tarantula hawks, among them are

Roadrunners. Roadrunners are cool little birds. Yeah, little. They're for sure not as big as that honking roadrunner that Wiley Coyote chases around on tv. They're pretty fast, though.

There are, of course, the typical flies, bugs, birds and such. I think the heat makes some of them crazy, though. We'll be hanging around the house and all of a sudden hear a big, random thud. Another dumb bird attacking its reflection in the windows. There are almost always bird-shaped dirt splats on the windows (pictures to come some day). The other day one hit Bryce and Camille's window so hard it splattered blood all over and fell down dead. Ew.